Day 10

Day 10: I want to be where you are

5.30pm It’s cold. I imagine the cars on the road are warm inside. I’m thinking about it because I’m sat shivering. I’ve found a bit of shelter, an L-shaped wall, which stops the wind. Shortly, I’ll get up and walk about because my bum is cold, the paving slab beneath me is drawing out warmth. But I’ve been walking for a while and I need to sit for a bit.

Maybe I should get my sleeping bag and mattress out but it feels too early. I can smell Chinese food. The smell is tempting but I can’t afford it. The church I’m at will feed me, that reminds me I’m not really homeless. 

5.45pm. My bum and the slab feel the same temperature. Maybe I should stay. But what will I do? I wonder where the cars are heading? I’m jealous of them. I imagine warm rooms, kettles boiling, the TV on, paused for a conversation about the day. But it’s all somewhere else and I’m here.

If I do get up and move from here, where do I go? What do I do? A couple of lads are walking past me swearing at each other. Just for a moment I stop thinking about the cold and hope they walk by and ignore me. They do. If I were walking into my home now I’d head straight for the shower and stand in it to let the water warm me. And then I’d check the treat drawer, maybe there’d be some fruit loaf I could toast and melt butter on. Dreams. Dreams. All I have is thoughts of being elsewhere. I’m tired. I could go home but if this were real I wouldn’t even have that thought.

The wall isn’t stopping the draught as much as I’d like. It’s 5.55pm and, fortunately, someone has arrived at the church. I have a chance to go into the warmth before I come back out to sleep. I’m not really homeless.

6.30am It was cold last night and I have a really good sleeping bag. How did others cope? It’s only October! 

The thing that strikes me as I get up is that I smell. My feet stink. They override the other odours until I put my boots on. Then I can smell my clothes. It’s my tenth day and if I’d been kicked out of home I might not have found places like the Archer Project. And even if I had I’m not sure how I would feel about admitting I smell. 

8.30am I got a lift into Sheffield and am sat in the train station. I can’t describe how different I feel from the people around me. They are busy, clean, dressed for the business of the day ahead. They are purposeful. All I can think of is that I smell. I didn’t know why it was important to have just one set of clothes when I set off ten days ago. I do now. I am de-humanised in a way I couldn’t have imagined. I am, somehow, less than the people I meet or see. I am ashamed of how I am. The danger is that with time I will forget and this will become my new normal.

If you want to know more about changing the lives of people who are homeless visit www.archerproject.org.uk 

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